


hopeless pursuit

by sailingthroughemotion



Category: Twelfth Night (1996), Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, but i do love it dearly and somebody has to read it, i wrote this march 7 2019 at 1 am, it is ... something else, let's be clear i was 16, you know besides my dearly beloved ex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28417329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailingthroughemotion/pseuds/sailingthroughemotion
Summary: An alternate universe in which Viola comes clean to Olivia and that ... doesn't exactly stop her.
Relationships: Olivia/Viola | Cesario (Twelfth Night)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	hopeless pursuit

**Author's Note:**

> aight, so i tried to write this in what i thought was a "shakespearean" style which, having actually read shakespeare some seven or eight months after the fact, is not in fact accurate - it's just kind of oddly lyrical and pretentious. sorry.

“Olivia, dearest. If I was not honest with you now, I would never be able to keep living with myself - you love me so thoroughly and intensely and I cannot return it, but not for any reason that you may think…”   
“Any reason is no barrier for me, I can overcome any challenge that may face us - I would do anything Cesario, please…”   
“Would you just as graciously and unapologetically fall in love with a woman?” Viola carefully peeled off her disguise as to not startle Olivia’s throbbing heart any further. Olivia could only stare as it all fell back into place in her mind - if she would’ve just seen - oh, if she would’ve just as far seen how not much taller this Cesario was than the average woman, how ‘he’ flinched when one would so much as put their hand against ‘his’ chest.   
“Would you just as unceremoniously chase after me, knowing that we could’ve never been possibly aligned to so much as engage with each other, as close as this,” Viola continued quietly. “If a woman were to offer to please you, would you let your lips be graced by her touch? Would you let your bouquet just as merrily wilt as if it had been none other than a man that had laid himself upon a silver platter before you, my lady?”   
Olivia could only take shallow breaths, letting her eyes dart around the garden - once seeming so spacious now seeming so tight. Oh, how she had fallen in love, there had been no lie there - be Cesario truly a toad or a horse, she would’ve seen no difference. But with a love comes a lust, a seemingly unquenchable hunger bestowed upon once-innocent eyes. What a cruel fate to play with emotions such that will alter any perceptions of anyone else were they to be discovered?   
And yet their lips were already as close as two petals on a single rose, and the sentiment that boisterous Viola was ready to offer did not seem that of turning away, but rather one of asking assurance about what Olivia could’ve wanted from this messenger ‘boy’.   
“It matters not, I believe,” a whisper as soft as a dying breath was all that could escape Olivia’s lips as she felt her pulse begin surging against her ribcage, feeling her hands itch to be tangled in another’s hair. What a cruel fate it seemed to ask for something almost entirely un-thought of, practically unheard of, and in whole, what could only be shared in the secrecy of quarters shared longer than the passing of a humbling message.   
But with youth, you are most often told that you shouldn’t fill your heart with sorrow and regret but rather live and continue living - through the fresh start of young blood, you can live how you want to live.   
And so their lips met, at first so shy and tender and in surprise - for Viola surely did not expect for this to end in such a premise, this has certainly never been her goal. But just as quickly that lack of surety transformed into a mission of knowing what could and would be done - ah, yes, perhaps the Duke would hold some space in her heart, after all, there was no promise to be betrothed. And a cruel trick on him to play it was, to hide more from him than from the woman he sought - and yet that quest, those hungry lips, those mischievous hands and persistent hips.   
What kind of bliss could two women find, undeterred in their embrace, such that no man would ever find, and no man could ever then replace? 

“Orsino would have my head for this, I know it,” Viola mused as she lay there under fine sheets, with Olivia at her side. Oh, the countess was such a beautiful creature to observe, such a lovely being to had been with - what a life of a performer may bring is courage and experience, and as such, Viola believed she had not disappointed.   
“You could always stay here,” Olivia offered, sleep still clouding her thoughts. “I’ll have Malvolio be sent to say that poor Cesario had tumbled over the cliffs on his way here…”   
“Oh, Cesario did tumble over the cliffs, my lady,” Viola turned just slightly over so to face the other woman and wrapped one arm tenderly around her. “In the realization that some of his deepest desires hadn’t been in vain, but rather…” she paused, toying with the words on her lips, choosing each one as carefully as she could possibly be, for Olivia to be woken from her partial slumber, finally expectant of attention. “Rather, I’d say, truthfully fulfilled - to the farthest extent my heart could ever dream of.”   
No words could further escape as Viola let her hands begin to wander, carefully around - it was much too early in the morning for such endeavors but it certainly was enough to rouse Olivia’s senses once more to the degree of being unable to speak a word. “You are kind to have me, my lady,” Viola left Olivia breathless, but without a needed continuation of what could’ve been. A simple, lazy kiss upon the tired lips of the countess was enough to take her breath away and make her heart make an extra jump it had never intended to make, to make her long for Viola to just stay a little longer.   
No more hopeless pursuit of Orsino, I would suppose, Viola sighed as she started getting dressed. It had been time to return home - to return to the form of Cesario and worry about little else.   
“You do look quite fine in a men’s uniform,” Olivia squinted merrily as she lifted herself up from bed and sat, admiring the view. Her long, deep brown hair fell carelessly around her bare chest, her eyes still milky from having to adjust from the unsurety of night to the clarity of day.   
“Oh, I would hope so - how else would a fine lady such as yourself fall in love with enticing, young Cesario?”   
“Viola, was it not?” Olivia licked her lips as if the very name had a sweet summer fruit taste - of course, undoubtedly, it had been quite of something else that held the same bouquet.   
“Only to you, my lady,” Viola held a more serious note in her voice, putting back on her disguise. “I may only return by Orsino’s command, although with his deep persistence, I am quite certain that that will be much sooner than you think.”   
“I just wished that you could stay,” Olivia frowned, her head bowed.   
“Until there’s a better, foolhardy plan that does not involve Cesario’s explicit demise, I would think not,” Viola reasoned and placed a gentle kiss upon Olivia’s head. “It saddens me just as much, I assure you of that to the deepest chambers of my heart, and I assure you as well that none other than you will any longer occupy my heart.”   
With an understanding, melancholy smile, Olivia laid back down onto her sheets, eyes directed at anywhere else but ‘him’. “Then, fare thee well… Cesario.”   
“And the same to you, my dear Olivia,” Viola concluded, leaving, the door shutting quietly behind her.   
“‘My Olivia’, she has said,” Olivia began to muse. “Oh what a lovely sentiment that is… and what an unknown thought it is to think I’ve never thought of holding her in my arms even though now I am only sickened to think of holding anyone else…” 

“Still no, I presume?” Orsino sulked as Cesario had finally shown up to report.   
“I’m afraid not,” Viola bowed her head.   
“With how much I have bid you out there, one would think that she would’ve rather chosen you by know, wouldn’t they?” Orsino looked none too pleased with the sentiment but Viola rather had to suppress the coy of smiles.   
“That would be most unfortunate, my lord…” a heavy silence fell and Orsino looked suspiciously and equally as expectantly up at Viola. “Oh! My lord! I assure you that none of such has occurred.”   
But Orsino’s suspicions had been ignited. “Who ruffled your hair so, boy?”   
“Must’ve been but the wind on the cliffs, my lord…”   
“And who bid you to smelling of effeminate perfume?”   
“Oh, none other than the handmaiden I had bumped into in my hurry to be at your audience, my lord…”   
Orsino took one of Viola’s hands and studied them very carefully, but they were just as lacking of masculinity as they had always been - tough from menial work, of course, but fair. “Leave me,” he said curtly. “I will call you if I should need it, but I believe today I would much rather be alone.”   
Viola quickly took her leave with a bow, though her heart was ever so slightly disappointed in a turn of such events - if he would to distance himself from her, there was no way that she could ever tell him about who she was not, but even so, she would have plenty the opportunity to visit the lady Olivia, and pursue endeavors that she had to admit were much greater to her liking.   
Viola was at a brisk walk on her way to the other estate when she stopped short. Orsino hadn’t sent her to Olivia’s at all - he hadn’t mentioned going to woo her again that day; what was she going to say when she arrived at the gates? If she said that she came on the Duke’s behalf, then wouldn’t that be the most blatant of lies? If she said she came of her own accord, wouldn’t the Duke be notified?   
Viola felt that the wrappings around her chest were especially tight today - she could hardly breathe as she realized that what she assumed would grant her more time with the lady, would in actuality, grant her no such privilege.   
“Must I always have to come up with such ridiculous solutions for every problem that comes across my way?” Viola grumbled to herself as she rounded the estate as to not to get noticed by anyone that may have been residing outside.   
Finding a solid victim section of wall to mount, she began her ascent, peeking carefully over first to check that no one had seen.   
“Too close to the church,” Viola realized a second too late, as the fool that slept idly by the church had jolted awake in her presence.   
“Ah, Cesario!” Feste cried out as he saw the young man, waving enthusiastically at him.   
“Sh,” Viola pressed a finger to her lips.   
“Why must you be climbing over the wall, like so?” Feste looked up in confusion. “Couldn’t you come ‘round the wall like any right minded man would? Surely this isn’t another one of Duke’s Orsino’s tactics?”   
Viola jumped down, briefly recovered from the shock of landing on her feet and shoved a few pence into the fool’s unsuspecting hands. “I was never here,” she whispered.   
“Fair enough as is,” Feste jingled the coins in his hand. “Must’ve been a dream, nothing more than a mirage… perhaps little lady Olivia may like to know - who is reclining glumly in the room overlooking the garden.” Feste gave Cesario a wink and started off to whistle in a merry little tune.   
Viola grinned, nodding her thanks, and sprinted off down the meadows.   
“My lady, Olivia!” Viola cried as she ran across the garden, doing her bestest to not slip on the wet pavement - the leaves that were scattered all about - the touch of fall had graced the gardens just as mightily, such was apparent in the shortening days, and such apartment in the warmer cloak that the lady had decided to wear.   
“V-,” but before she could utter a word, Viola placed a finger over the woman’s lips.   
“Duke Orsino doesn’t know I’m here, my lady,” she still couldn’t help but let out a breathless smile. “I was never here - I was never sent - this is only between your eyes and mine,” and she took the lady’s hands in hers and they both let out a merry, yet nervous, energetic laugh.   
Olivia looked around as to make sure that no one would see them retreating back into the house and they sneaked up the stairs, giggling like school children, but were certainly going to engage in anything else but books.   
A most passionate embrace ensued behind the closing of the doors - barely any time passed between tender removing of their clothes to fruitful kisses in the afternoon light to adult endeavors that would never be beheld within a child’s sight.   
A sharp knock comes at the door, and much to both of their demise. “It is I, Malvolio, my lady - I’ve come to deliver a message for thy.”  
“Could you possibly tell me through the door?” Olivia stood still for a second, Viola’s heart racing madly as she realized that if she was caught, she was as good as her poor twin brother.   
“I’m afraid not,” Malvolio continued and Olivia swore under her breath. “It is much too of an effort to yell from behind the door - besides this is more of a private matter that I would not like to rile the house staff with - involving a certain Duke Orsino.”   
Olivia shot a glance at Viola who only raised her brows. This was going to end up bad, no matter which way they came about.   
“Alright well one moment please,” Olivia called desperately, and silently ordered for Viola to climb under the covers. She piled a few pillows on top of the obvious human form, and pulling on the top of a random gown, she bid for him to come in.   
“Oh, I had not known you had been napping, my lady,” and Malvolio just as quickly cast his eyes away.   
“It’s of no matter, I am wide awake now,” she nervously pulled up the collar around her neck - perhaps love bites were a little risky in a situation somewhat like this. “What happens to be the news?”   
“Duke Orsino is looking for his Cesario - apparently the boy had left not too long ago; some say he had been heading this way, have you seen him at all?”  
This is absolute madness, Viola pondered to herself as Olivia shuffled with a lie. I’m as good as dead, Viola repeated, and at this point, I’d honestly rather die.   
The door was shut and Viola was released, jumping immediately to get dressed. “I should’ve never come out here,” Viola growled, wrapping up her chest. “This was foolish, this was ridiculous, this is-“   
“You’re going to be alright, Viola,” Olivia assured. “A few kind words from me, and Orsino will have you completely off the hook.”   
“I just pray that you are right,” Viola sighed, putting her disguise back on. The glue was starting to grow slightly frail from continually putting it back off and on.   
“Whatever comes, I’m still glad you came,” Olivia attempted a reassuring smile.   
Oh, how Viola wanted to be mad - it’s your damn lust that I’m here to adhere to, it’s your damn unwilling that’s trapped me in this stupid cat and mouse, and yet she could not. She was leaving Olivia just like she last had, her beautiful roughed up brown hair falling in curls around her shoulders, her eyes hooded as she watched her dress, her lips glistening and lightly open, her unavoidable truthful cunning even if she did come off as nothing more than lovestruck… oh, she couldn’t be angry at this point because deep in her heart, she wanted it almost twice as badly. 

Sneaking up and over the wall again with a hearty smile from Feste to send her on her way, she preceded at a brisk pace back to the Duke’s estates. 

“Where have you been?” Orsino shouted as he sighted the blonde from down the hall. Viola froze in her place. “I’ve been searching and searching for you all over - where have you been wandering off to without my knowing?”   
“Just into town, my lord,” Viola lied, raising her chin higher. What a mistake that turned out to be.   
“What are these marks on your neck, Cesario?” Orsino reached for Viola’s neck and she recoiled back as if he held a flame in his fingertips.   
“What marks, my lord?” she felt around her neck, feeling the obvious unevenness of one of Olivia’s many gifts from their last meeting. “Must be just the light playing tricks, my lord - I feel no marks upon my skin.”   
Orsino scrutinized the boy for a little while, but could do little else than let out an exhausted sigh. “Play something on one of the new flutes we’ve just gotten for me, will you? I think I’d fancy getting lost in some more prose…”   
Viola let out a relieved sigh and went further on her way to retrieve the musical instruments.   
The afternoon dragged on slowly, following that. Viola did not know what else she could possibly do further to see Olivia again - oh, how she wanted to - for the two of them to escape somewhere, for her to stop wearing that aching wrap around her chest and stuffing handkerchiefs into her pants. Admittedly, she’d likely never give up pants and loose jackets - those were much too comfortable in comparison to her old, more traditional fashions. She daydreamed as she played all that she could remember - oh the time that she and Olivia could have, if only Orsino would let her go - let both of them go, in fact.   
“Have you got someone you fancy, Cesario?” Orsino asked the question as they were about to retreat for bed. Viola pondered on how to answer the question tactfully - once it had been Orsino himself, but things have greatly changed from then on.   
“I’d say I do, my lord.”   
“What is she like?”   
“She’s… she’s beautiful, but her beauty comes not from just her appearance but from the inside - she’s like a summer’s bonfire’s spark, with a quick wit…” Viola tried to be as vague as possible but there were only so many flattering vague things you could say about Olivia.   
“And what do you do when you are apart from her?” Orsino asked, his tone sad, his eyes cast.   
“I… I feel much the same way you do, my lord - I feel as if without her, there is little else for my life to be fueled by as time goes on.”   
They both stood in silence for a great while - what a mess this had become. Orsino wasn’t backing down; he knew, at some point, his Olivia would break, but Cesario seemed just as much the charmer for some other lady he knew little of. Surely, if he kept sending Cesario out there, something would happen eventually… right? 

**Author's Note:**

> tfw i can't be bothered to write anything for relevant fandoms, can't be consistent with the garbage with that i did choose to make my bread and butter, so now we're resorting to nearly two year old inconclusive drafts. anyway, hope you enjoy.


End file.
